Variousness

Tough week in madtownpatsfan life. I'll itemize below, so you can skip to what you feel best fits.

Death of a Parent

So my mom has been sick for months now, and while it wasn't tough to connect-the-dots, it's pretty clear that there is little time left. I buried my dad about seven years ago, and that sucked, but now the realization that I will have no parents on the Earth is hitting hard. When Dad died, Mom and I worked together on awful things like the funeral, the announcement, the music, the flowers. I'm at a complete loss as to what I need to do, who to call, when to plan, etc. In a way, we were allied in death; we could figure out stuff together, and divvy the crap to who could handle it best. It feels more final now. I've gone through a couple of tough years, with a painful divorce, but having parental love and support was immense now that I realize that will be going away. I will never forget the fact that Mom came out and lived with me for two weeks after my Ex left. Probably couldn't make it through that phase. Although I still can't cross-stitch.

I am a parent nowt, constantly freaking on to traffic, thrown objects, and drunken miscreants on the sidewalks who may or may not want to grope/kidnap/murder my kids. It is baffling, however, at how much I still have to grow up. I have a savings account, an IRA, a pension plan, and maybe some stock options somewhere, but where do I go when I have life questions? Mom. She knows (or pretends to know) the answers and has so forth not done wrong. I guess I'm the one now to answers these questions. Frankly, it terrifies me.


Telling My Kids About Grandma Dying

Any good advice? My son currently wants 6 - 8 Ninjago LEGO sets and seems to feel that if Santa won't bring them, then Grandma will come through. He's 7, so the Santa-land will end in another (I hope) 2 - 3 years, but Daddy doesn't have the nerve to let him and his sister know that Grandma may not be able to pick up the slack. So, what do you say at the holidays when a loved one isn't there anymore, and worse, that you are an agnostic so you can't fall on the "pearly gates" shit Christians get away with. This may be a spoilable year, which also sets terrible precedents.

Death of an iPhone

To make insult of of injury, my iPhone 3Gs shit the bed on Monday. One minute, looking at NFL fake-referee crap, then the screen dies. My neighbor in our company cube farm gave suggestions, but that did nothing and possibly cleared all of my data. Good news was I backed up shit on iTunes in August, so hopefully that will come through. However, I'm now living in 1996 with a pseudo-Razr phone that has me realized how much Steve Jobs (RIP, bro) has warped my being. No Words With Friends. No Cribbage. No Work e-mail asap. I have to tap the "9" key three times to get the letter "x" when I send a quick message to the new She Who Must Not Be Avoided When Calling. Honestly, get me a fax machine, it goes faster.

I'm done. Thanks for reading, or disregarding. Sure more to come. JD

Yo, It's Halfway Through 2012, Y'all!

Wow hey, been busy and lots of apologies to those of you (7 and growing!) who follow this absolutely ridiculous blog. Apologies for the delay. Why?

Good news: Gotta a wonderful girlfriend. Not naming her here, but if you live most of your life at 6000 American Parkway you're in the know, and jealous of curly hair. Me, I'm happy of my string-y grey stuff now because it happens to stay on my head. If you want to completely go off-topic, I could kill you with exploits of the things that are now coming out of my chest. Let's just say that hair removal, a la Steve Carell in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" should be considered by this hairy scribe.

Also good news: Finally close to my 50-50% of my kids. July the deal is sealed, yay! Cannot honestly believe this took almost two years, but that's how the stupid system works. First, have to prove that I'm solvent (which I am); second, have to attend multiple co-parenting classes (which I did), and third, have to endure a step-based program that is due to the age of the kids. I'll vent now: why did I as a father in a divorced marriage have to go through this? Answer: Because the state assumes that the Father did all the wrong. I would say Go Scott Walker or Go Tom Barrett but both have no input on this inane beauracracy. Hmmm.....

I'm off my soapbox now.

So, back to the stupid:

- I'm switching to Gronk. You all know my old love, but now I've decided, since my divorce, that it is not a bad thing to move on. Even my new hottie (I'm now officially in trouble) has agreed that Gronk is waaaaayyyyy hotter than TB and his questionable hair. Plus, he hasn't responded since my photos were posted on tmz.

- Can't wait for "Promethius." Nuff' said.

- Big fan of "Game of Thrones" on HBO and stunned at the amount of full-frontal nudity. Nudity good. I've been pitching this for an ice breaker at all-day meetings for years. Think of how much you'd get done with someone's junk flapping around the whiteboard? And, yes dear ladies, your ta-ta's can flop with the best of them.

- Recommend "The Pirates!" as a family film. I've only sees 2 - 3 3D movies and this one used the technology well.

Cheers and hope all is well!

JD

More Random Randomness

Wisconsin got biffed by a pretty good blizzard yesterday through today, so a post seems to be appropriate as I'm getting sick of the local news (weather reports), CNN (Egypt) and ESPN (the Green Bay Fudge Packers).

Nothing really new to read or report, so we'll throw the ol' fishing line out into the frozen lake and see what comes out of my cranium...

- Fudge Packers: You're an insufferable bunch. I need a couple of Murphs, Sullys and O'somethings to kick some shit into you. There's life outside of the Pack, maybe get excited for the Brewers? They look good this year!!! Unfortunately, I don't like Shittsburgh either, so I'm playing Switzerland and just hoping for a good game, or at least interesting commercials, this weekend.

- Day off from work: With a welcome respite with a great friend for a few hours, I had no idea what to do with myself today. Ended up doing 3 laundries, cleaning the kitchen, and watching Seth Rogan movies. BTW, I like Seth Rogan. He's better than someone like a Jack Black because he can actually carry a movie (think "Knocked Up") but I think he should stick to the character-actor roles. A little of Rogan goes a long way, but if you think of other recent classics like "Superbad" or "40 Year Old Virgin" he elevates the movie. Just an opinion.

- Here's an interesting idea for debate: I've been pondering the five best places to kiss (stick with me here) on a woman. I'll propose the following (and not be x-rated, so please follow suit):
    - The mouth (duh)
    - The neck
    - The clavicle/upper chest area
    - The ears
    - And of course, as Sam Jackson put nicely, The Holiest of Holies.

- Ladies, if the one of you reads this, thoughts? Good to know -- we men are clueless and base our activities on outdated adult stars, so if I'm missing a crucial piece of anatomy, let me know.

- On to news: take a step back and look at the Egypt/Lebanon/Yemen/Jordan/etc. turn of events. This could be catastrophic to the Middle East, or it could be a harbinger of positive change. As a follower of politics, I'm watching this. Many of my friends are Jewish, so I'm hoping (but knowing) they are watching this with necessary urgency.

- Red Sox truck leaves a week from today for Spring Training. For those of you like me who curse shoveling, this is a small hope of light at the end of the tunnel.

- Bowling sweeper in two days. For those of you non-AmFam people, this is an event to be experienced. Kind of like Burning Man or Fantasy Fest, but on a cheesehead-level. Meaning, we don't get naked and the only drugs are watery beer. Good times! But, go lane 17!

More to come, and hopefully it will be a more coherent essay.

Cheers,

JD

Apologies to you Five Followers

Sorry I've been radio silent this January.

Good things have happened to your friend JD, so I've been enjoying life again and spending time away from this keyboard.

Plus, my beloved Pats got smacked around by the Flying Foot Fetishes last weekend, thus I've had to keep a low profile this week and endure the Packers fans at work (read: 9 out of 10 of every 3000 employees here in Madison) because I talked smack, and the Fudge Packers are still alive this weekend against Da Bears. Go Da Bears!

Lots of thoughts stewing in my head, though. Quick hits:

- If you haven't yet, rent (or buy) "The Social Network." Best film hands down in my opinion, yet I still need to see "The Kings Speech" or "127 Hours," both of which are said to be good.

- One month until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training. Our Red Sox are looking great on paper. Let's see if we can find one more pitcher and then I'm allowed to talk smack again.

- We had a high of 2 today, with a windchill somewhere around -20. I don't wear a coat (again, I'm an idiot) so getting from home to work and then out for a few errands was nipple-inducing hell. Plus, my battery died at one point so I had to have a friend give me a jump and then wait as I filled the gas tank in case I conked out again. He's getting an adult beverage on the house.

- Hit your local Bath & Body Works: they're having a sale (at least my location is) through February, and I've been smelling all fruity and hot (according to more than 1 of my female friends, which is a positive read) once I dropped $50 on lotions, shower gel, soap, etc. Anyone else out there who reads my blog who is single, trust me: it's fucking catnip. No more Ivory soap for this heterosexual male.

- Off to the Dells tomorrow for a welcome January respite in a heated indoor waterpark. Why hasn't Boston figured this out? It is truly the greatest activity in the doldrums of January and February: drifting along a 75-degree lazy river, sliding down a 20-story waterslide in 75-degree water, and enjoying a cold one whilst watching a game in 85-degree temperature-controlled climate. Y'all know I have a pretty decent bone to pick with the state of Wisconsin, but in this case, they're waaaaayyyyy ahead of you, you other 49 states.

That's enough for now. Hope all are well in this early (and assbiting freezing) 2011. Chat soon.

Cheers,

JD

Trying to put into words my feelings right now. Happy, that's a good one. Excited, that's another. And let's not forget slightly nervous. All good feelings.

So instead of charming y'all with pithy anecdotes, I wish you all a good year. 2011 has started off fine.

Cheers,

JD

Christmas Time is Here

Mom got in safe and sound, even with poor weather between here and Massachusetts. Now, we have to think of things to do between meals (but we do like to eat!). Right now she's asleep on my loveseat, so I figured a good time to post a quick note on the holiday season.

Many nice people have asked me, that since I'm an agnostic, why I like Christmas. The answer is simple, and apropos to me being an adman, that I like the tangible aspects even though I can't relate to the spiritual ones. Wrapping presents, and although I'll admit I failed that subject in grade school, is strangely comforting and rewarding. You take something tangible, a gift that touches a person's needs or wants, and wrap it up in pretty paper so they can enjoy a little surprise.

Christmas cards are another good marketing idea. I get happy when your cards show up, and when they have a little note inside detailing how little Johnny is doing, or Auntie Erma is slipping, etc. -- I know at my age that they're not personal -- but maybe there's a quick note telling me: "Hey, hang in there, my buddy Dipshit is going through a divorce, and if he can make it, so can you!" This does not exactly exude the holiday spirit, but at a minimum I know that Pissturd, my fraternity brother fifteen years ago, still cares enough to give me a "hi" and send a more personal hello. New children, new jobs, whatever is in the note, it's still nice to feel and absorb a piece of paper instead of reading FB and/or finding out stuff in 135-word-or-less snippets. Makes one feel magnanimous that people do care, to some degree, even though they could possibly be at the gunpoint of their S/O to get their f*cking cards done, but that once a year, they check in and give a minor personal connection.

I'm also a sucker for Xmas-related shorts and film. Can't wait until Saturday when I can watch "The Christmas Story" at least four times before my elderly mother biffs me with her cigarette carton. Same goes for the "Charlie Brown Christmas" -- this I like not for the worst Christmas tree ever, but instead for the soundtrack. I've debated friends and foes on why this is such a good animated short -- their argument is mainly for the Linus manger-scene-speech, but I've argued, and will argue still, that the ice rink skating scene at the opening is the best. Once Snoopy comes on, and dumps the kids helter-skelter, I'm in, especially with the Guiraldi twinklings. Other movies that I'm in on, no matter what, and in no particular order or no reason related to this post, and missing many, are: "The Departed," "Bull Durham," and "Four Weddings and a Funeral." No rhyme or reason there. But don't get me started on "The Grinch" -- I know the song and will sing it to you if you bother me at work.

This isn't the best column I've written thus far, but I'm trying to tell y'all that there is good out there, and that this is the right time to acknowledge it regardless of one's convictions. There's good times and bad times, yet we all live though them. Last year I was a hermit and didn't go out at all. Blew chunks, not recommended.This year, I got a tree, outdoor lights, and spent a happy many hours wondering how scissors worked while I cut wrapping paper. Plus, tape can be interesting. A random piece was evacuated off my derriere -- how did that get there? And why was I naked?

Mom and I will nosh through Madison the next few days, and then our holiday will arrive on Sunday (yep, I get the kids one day late, but that's a good thing!).

My best wishes to all friends and family, have a safe and happy holiday weekend, and I'll be snarky again next week.

Cheers,

JD

Last Night's Game Almost Killed Me

For those of you who know me, you know that I'm a 100%, Grade-A, world-class idiot. As the chateaubriand is to a cut of meat, or as Pulp Fiction is one of the greatest films ever, I'm the equivalent of both when it comes to my propensity to put myself in uncomfortable situations.

Now, you also know that I'm also a die-hard Boston sports fan. With the exception of the Bruins, I breathe for Boston sports. Never got hockey, my bad. Something about missing teeth and 150mph missiles flying at my plums. Early memories of flipping on the Sox game with my dad, wallowing in misery through years of Pats (at best) mediocrity, and local college hoops formed the warped mass of flesh here. I'll freely admit: I'm on the fence about the Celtics, but that's not because I don't like pro hoops. It's more of the fact that I once drove Antoine Walker, he with the enormous debt and even bigger ass, from Logan to his rookie training camp on the illustrious Brandeis campus in lovely Waltham, MA. I was gamely trying to make chit-chat on that awkward 1/2 hour ride, but apparently 'Toine didn't like me, thus decided to tell me, and I quote: "Shut the fuck up." Needless to say, there's part of me that's not unhappy that he is so in debt that it's surprising he's not sleeping with the fish.

So, on to the point! While this may not make Britney Spears/Tiger Woods/Brett and his orange Crocs-level of idiocy, I mercilessly teased my friends and colleagues on Friday on the utter dominance of the Patriots, and one T. Brady of Quincy, MA. My mantra? "You're dead."

If you're not from Wisconsin, you gotta understand that the Packers are right behind one J. Christ of Jerusalem when it comes to deities. And, the poll numbers are tracking pretty darn close right now. So for me to rake them over the coals re: their shortcomings, I might as well have marched them outside into our balmy Wisconsin weather (I think we had a high of 2 today), made them drop their pants and laughed at the area between knees and navels.

Well, the Cheeseheads almost got their due. Last night's game was a nail-biter, and I do mean that honestly. Pack came out fast and looked efficient; Pats looked lifeless as if they were already in Dallas and hoisting trophy #4. Had it not been for an 4th quarter freak fumble by a rookie QB, I may have fled to Mexico and started a new life as Joaquim the cabana boy in Cancun.Cervesa? Si!

I took the diplomatic route today, waxing nicely about what a good game it was, but those green-and-golders could see the insecurity in my eyes: they knew, and they had prepared the night before to commence a wonderful beat-down. It's like I finally got to bump uglies with the prom queen, but lasted all of 5 minutes. I've learned my lesson: keep my mouth shut and unless I take the high route, don't be a twit.

Oh, there was another bad omen last night. My pair of football boxer shorts, which I've had over 10 years, split a hole in a relative - *ahem* - inconvenient spot. I've been wearing these on Pats Sundays religiously so I'm about to whip out the duct tape and stapler in order to ensure they make it one more month. But fittingly, as I was about to shit myself last night, I had a big hole where one was not needed. If you're thinking last-minute Christmas ideas for your pal Jeremy, there you go!

Thought you needed to know.

Cheers,

JD