Wednesday, February 2, 2011

More Random Randomness

Wisconsin got biffed by a pretty good blizzard yesterday through today, so a post seems to be appropriate as I'm getting sick of the local news (weather reports), CNN (Egypt) and ESPN (the Green Bay Fudge Packers).

Nothing really new to read or report, so we'll throw the ol' fishing line out into the frozen lake and see what comes out of my cranium...

- Fudge Packers: You're an insufferable bunch. I need a couple of Murphs, Sullys and O'somethings to kick some shit into you. There's life outside of the Pack, maybe get excited for the Brewers? They look good this year!!! Unfortunately, I don't like Shittsburgh either, so I'm playing Switzerland and just hoping for a good game, or at least interesting commercials, this weekend.

- Day off from work: With a welcome respite with a great friend for a few hours, I had no idea what to do with myself today. Ended up doing 3 laundries, cleaning the kitchen, and watching Seth Rogan movies. BTW, I like Seth Rogan. He's better than someone like a Jack Black because he can actually carry a movie (think "Knocked Up") but I think he should stick to the character-actor roles. A little of Rogan goes a long way, but if you think of other recent classics like "Superbad" or "40 Year Old Virgin" he elevates the movie. Just an opinion.

- Here's an interesting idea for debate: I've been pondering the five best places to kiss (stick with me here) on a woman. I'll propose the following (and not be x-rated, so please follow suit):
    - The mouth (duh)
    - The neck
    - The clavicle/upper chest area
    - The ears
    - And of course, as Sam Jackson put nicely, The Holiest of Holies.

- Ladies, if the one of you reads this, thoughts? Good to know -- we men are clueless and base our activities on outdated adult stars, so if I'm missing a crucial piece of anatomy, let me know.

- On to news: take a step back and look at the Egypt/Lebanon/Yemen/Jordan/etc. turn of events. This could be catastrophic to the Middle East, or it could be a harbinger of positive change. As a follower of politics, I'm watching this. Many of my friends are Jewish, so I'm hoping (but knowing) they are watching this with necessary urgency.

- Red Sox truck leaves a week from today for Spring Training. For those of you like me who curse shoveling, this is a small hope of light at the end of the tunnel.

- Bowling sweeper in two days. For those of you non-AmFam people, this is an event to be experienced. Kind of like Burning Man or Fantasy Fest, but on a cheesehead-level. Meaning, we don't get naked and the only drugs are watery beer. Good times! But, go lane 17!

More to come, and hopefully it will be a more coherent essay.

Cheers,

JD

Friday, January 21, 2011

Apologies to you Five Followers

Sorry I've been radio silent this January.

Good things have happened to your friend JD, so I've been enjoying life again and spending time away from this keyboard.

Plus, my beloved Pats got smacked around by the Flying Foot Fetishes last weekend, thus I've had to keep a low profile this week and endure the Packers fans at work (read: 9 out of 10 of every 3000 employees here in Madison) because I talked smack, and the Fudge Packers are still alive this weekend against Da Bears. Go Da Bears!

Lots of thoughts stewing in my head, though. Quick hits:

- If you haven't yet, rent (or buy) "The Social Network." Best film hands down in my opinion, yet I still need to see "The Kings Speech" or "127 Hours," both of which are said to be good.

- One month until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training. Our Red Sox are looking great on paper. Let's see if we can find one more pitcher and then I'm allowed to talk smack again.

- We had a high of 2 today, with a windchill somewhere around -20. I don't wear a coat (again, I'm an idiot) so getting from home to work and then out for a few errands was nipple-inducing hell. Plus, my battery died at one point so I had to have a friend give me a jump and then wait as I filled the gas tank in case I conked out again. He's getting an adult beverage on the house.

- Hit your local Bath & Body Works: they're having a sale (at least my location is) through February, and I've been smelling all fruity and hot (according to more than 1 of my female friends, which is a positive read) once I dropped $50 on lotions, shower gel, soap, etc. Anyone else out there who reads my blog who is single, trust me: it's fucking catnip. No more Ivory soap for this heterosexual male.

- Off to the Dells tomorrow for a welcome January respite in a heated indoor waterpark. Why hasn't Boston figured this out? It is truly the greatest activity in the doldrums of January and February: drifting along a 75-degree lazy river, sliding down a 20-story waterslide in 75-degree water, and enjoying a cold one whilst watching a game in 85-degree temperature-controlled climate. Y'all know I have a pretty decent bone to pick with the state of Wisconsin, but in this case, they're waaaaayyyyy ahead of you, you other 49 states.

That's enough for now. Hope all are well in this early (and assbiting freezing) 2011. Chat soon.

Cheers,

JD

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Trying to put into words my feelings right now. Happy, that's a good one. Excited, that's another. And let's not forget slightly nervous. All good feelings.

So instead of charming y'all with pithy anecdotes, I wish you all a good year. 2011 has started off fine.

Cheers,

JD

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Time is Here

Mom got in safe and sound, even with poor weather between here and Massachusetts. Now, we have to think of things to do between meals (but we do like to eat!). Right now she's asleep on my loveseat, so I figured a good time to post a quick note on the holiday season.

Many nice people have asked me, that since I'm an agnostic, why I like Christmas. The answer is simple, and apropos to me being an adman, that I like the tangible aspects even though I can't relate to the spiritual ones. Wrapping presents, and although I'll admit I failed that subject in grade school, is strangely comforting and rewarding. You take something tangible, a gift that touches a person's needs or wants, and wrap it up in pretty paper so they can enjoy a little surprise.

Christmas cards are another good marketing idea. I get happy when your cards show up, and when they have a little note inside detailing how little Johnny is doing, or Auntie Erma is slipping, etc. -- I know at my age that they're not personal -- but maybe there's a quick note telling me: "Hey, hang in there, my buddy Dipshit is going through a divorce, and if he can make it, so can you!" This does not exactly exude the holiday spirit, but at a minimum I know that Pissturd, my fraternity brother fifteen years ago, still cares enough to give me a "hi" and send a more personal hello. New children, new jobs, whatever is in the note, it's still nice to feel and absorb a piece of paper instead of reading FB and/or finding out stuff in 135-word-or-less snippets. Makes one feel magnanimous that people do care, to some degree, even though they could possibly be at the gunpoint of their S/O to get their f*cking cards done, but that once a year, they check in and give a minor personal connection.

I'm also a sucker for Xmas-related shorts and film. Can't wait until Saturday when I can watch "The Christmas Story" at least four times before my elderly mother biffs me with her cigarette carton. Same goes for the "Charlie Brown Christmas" -- this I like not for the worst Christmas tree ever, but instead for the soundtrack. I've debated friends and foes on why this is such a good animated short -- their argument is mainly for the Linus manger-scene-speech, but I've argued, and will argue still, that the ice rink skating scene at the opening is the best. Once Snoopy comes on, and dumps the kids helter-skelter, I'm in, especially with the Guiraldi twinklings. Other movies that I'm in on, no matter what, and in no particular order or no reason related to this post, and missing many, are: "The Departed," "Bull Durham," and "Four Weddings and a Funeral." No rhyme or reason there. But don't get me started on "The Grinch" -- I know the song and will sing it to you if you bother me at work.

This isn't the best column I've written thus far, but I'm trying to tell y'all that there is good out there, and that this is the right time to acknowledge it regardless of one's convictions. There's good times and bad times, yet we all live though them. Last year I was a hermit and didn't go out at all. Blew chunks, not recommended.This year, I got a tree, outdoor lights, and spent a happy many hours wondering how scissors worked while I cut wrapping paper. Plus, tape can be interesting. A random piece was evacuated off my derriere -- how did that get there? And why was I naked?

Mom and I will nosh through Madison the next few days, and then our holiday will arrive on Sunday (yep, I get the kids one day late, but that's a good thing!).

My best wishes to all friends and family, have a safe and happy holiday weekend, and I'll be snarky again next week.

Cheers,

JD

Monday, December 20, 2010

Last Night's Game Almost Killed Me

For those of you who know me, you know that I'm a 100%, Grade-A, world-class idiot. As the chateaubriand is to a cut of meat, or as Pulp Fiction is one of the greatest films ever, I'm the equivalent of both when it comes to my propensity to put myself in uncomfortable situations.

Now, you also know that I'm also a die-hard Boston sports fan. With the exception of the Bruins, I breathe for Boston sports. Never got hockey, my bad. Something about missing teeth and 150mph missiles flying at my plums. Early memories of flipping on the Sox game with my dad, wallowing in misery through years of Pats (at best) mediocrity, and local college hoops formed the warped mass of flesh here. I'll freely admit: I'm on the fence about the Celtics, but that's not because I don't like pro hoops. It's more of the fact that I once drove Antoine Walker, he with the enormous debt and even bigger ass, from Logan to his rookie training camp on the illustrious Brandeis campus in lovely Waltham, MA. I was gamely trying to make chit-chat on that awkward 1/2 hour ride, but apparently 'Toine didn't like me, thus decided to tell me, and I quote: "Shut the fuck up." Needless to say, there's part of me that's not unhappy that he is so in debt that it's surprising he's not sleeping with the fish.

So, on to the point! While this may not make Britney Spears/Tiger Woods/Brett and his orange Crocs-level of idiocy, I mercilessly teased my friends and colleagues on Friday on the utter dominance of the Patriots, and one T. Brady of Quincy, MA. My mantra? "You're dead."

If you're not from Wisconsin, you gotta understand that the Packers are right behind one J. Christ of Jerusalem when it comes to deities. And, the poll numbers are tracking pretty darn close right now. So for me to rake them over the coals re: their shortcomings, I might as well have marched them outside into our balmy Wisconsin weather (I think we had a high of 2 today), made them drop their pants and laughed at the area between knees and navels.

Well, the Cheeseheads almost got their due. Last night's game was a nail-biter, and I do mean that honestly. Pack came out fast and looked efficient; Pats looked lifeless as if they were already in Dallas and hoisting trophy #4. Had it not been for an 4th quarter freak fumble by a rookie QB, I may have fled to Mexico and started a new life as Joaquim the cabana boy in Cancun.Cervesa? Si!

I took the diplomatic route today, waxing nicely about what a good game it was, but those green-and-golders could see the insecurity in my eyes: they knew, and they had prepared the night before to commence a wonderful beat-down. It's like I finally got to bump uglies with the prom queen, but lasted all of 5 minutes. I've learned my lesson: keep my mouth shut and unless I take the high route, don't be a twit.

Oh, there was another bad omen last night. My pair of football boxer shorts, which I've had over 10 years, split a hole in a relative - *ahem* - inconvenient spot. I've been wearing these on Pats Sundays religiously so I'm about to whip out the duct tape and stapler in order to ensure they make it one more month. But fittingly, as I was about to shit myself last night, I had a big hole where one was not needed. If you're thinking last-minute Christmas ideas for your pal Jeremy, there you go!

Thought you needed to know.

Cheers,

JD

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Oh No! Not Scarlett & Ryan...

The title of this blog is in fun. At this particular junction in my life, nothing makes me merrier than the demise of a marriage of the beautiful folk. Today, Scarlett Johannsen and Ryan Reynolds announced that they are planning to divorce.

Granted, there is less acrimony (at least in the press) in their separation than there is in mine (thankfully not in the press) but it shows that those of us not fortunate enough to succeed at matrimony that others, thankfully high-profile others, will also have a difficult time making marriage work.

I think the reason is simple: one goes through the dating phase, where you're feeling out the other person, wanting to be with them regularly, ignoring any warning signs (such as in-laws, which I speak from experience), and dismissing whatever sordid pasts one might have had. When I moved to Wisconsin, a mutual friend took me around downtown and cheerfully identified the random spots where my soon-to-be-ex had either disrobed, made a drunken fool of herself, doinked in a public venue, etc. It should have been eye-opening, at the least, but at the time it was charming in a way. Here was a person who had enjoyed her years in some random town and had a personal Freedom Trail to prove it. I've got mine back in Boston, of course, and thank the mighty Lord (again, from an agnostic) there weren't digital cameras or smartphones to document my various indiscreet misdeeds.

Then there is the wedding itself, which I don't remember much of, not because I had too much to drink, but that it was a blur of tuxedo activity and napkin-color decisions. And then there's post honeymoon, where you still coo at each other, and are excited for life for the next 50 years. At this point, ones' couple friends are so happy to have you in the club that there is stuff to do constantly.

Alas, as things went south the past couple of years, things you notice your spouse do and/or have begun to become more significantly irritating, annoying, or downright disturbing. And lest I not judge others, I'm to blame for a great majority of problems. One does not throw stones at plexiglass houses, or something of that irk. But the little idiosyncrasies do add up, and while it's typically on a mutual basis, one does wonder if one of the other fish in the sea may have been preferable to reel up. Unfortunately, yours truly plead ignorance and went off and spawned two wonderful and beautiful children, so I have a lot more splainin' to do than others who recognize, like Scar and Ryan, that things may have been better had we severed the ties earlier as opposed to later.

We live and learn from this. And such, personally, I've come to the terms that all I need is someone to make me laugh, inspire me to do stuff, hopefully love my children, a good roll-in-the-sack quantification, and share the years of life. No more pedestals, peeps -- none of us deserve them. Not politicians, not sports idols, not movie icons, and definitely not an insurance peddler. I probably will still stand agape at other people's peccadillos, but I've matured and have come to terms that it's best to ignore, and not bicker.

Bless Scar and Ryan for their ridiculous chests, abdomens, and other anatomical features. They're also decent actors, so I'll watch them in a film if it interests me. But part of me is also glad that the glamorous can reach a point of no return. It's not just us wee peasants. Best of luck to them both, and they can feel free to help me with my legal payments if they like this.

Cheers,

JD

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Good Meeting!

Had one of the stranger meetings today via phone with one of our agencies. Things pretty much bounced around like a ping-pong ball during an inebriated pick-up game, but actually we came out with some good ideas and feasible concepts that will help the company in 2011. Won't bore you with details, but we'll be alive and kicking in Q1 with some cool growth-initiated advertising.

I do want to thank our leadership (no names here, unless they're named Ian Chalgren, and then all bets are off) for providing excellent guidance on the topic of how important it is to lead as opposed to react. They are wonderful people with great minds who provide real ideas for our team. Yes, my nose is slightly brown, but things wash off.

You five followers know that I gnash about my work -- there's seemingly no rhyme or reason as to what we work on, and that we're subject to what our sales force or product lines make us do. Chances are, the requests have been preempted by higher-ups and not been vetted to decide the warranty of whether the request is necessary or not. I understand corporate politics, but it doesn't mean I should agree or disagree with the direction. Dude, let's empower ourselves.

Back to the meeting! We got great direction to advise our corporate creative agency to act. And that is the key word: act. Not react, not advise, not hem-and-haw about what sister agency told them what, but listen to us and follow our direction and produce the assets we want to give to consumers. This is cool. We got some power now, and we'll make use of it.

I'll go back to posting about my idiotic fumblings and what'all shortly. In the meantime, I do truly feel we as an organization are on a good path and look forward to 2011 and getting more cool stuff out there for our consumers.Enough about work, and once Justin Bieber falls off the wagon I'll have some more inappropriate postings.

Now, who wants to get naked and chat about Tom Brady's stubble? Don't deny you're not impressed. Gisele, your input is needed.

Cheers,

JD